Mystery Military Men
by Annamae Tezuka
Summary: Fuery, Havoc, Fallman, and Breda work together to keep the peace...incognito as the Mystery Military Men!
1. Chapter 1

It was a peaceful day at Central headquarters

It was a peaceful day at Central headquarters. The staff at Colonel Mustang's branch were doing their daily routine: pretending to do what they were supposed to do, while really doing nothing and being quite bored with it. Lieutenant Hawkeye had heralded the coming of an unusually large sheaf of papers, which the Colonel was much too busy being bored to read and sign. This dragged on until the lunch break, when the Colonel went to go on some lunch date with some new entry to his little black book. Havoc cried silently, jabbing jealous looks at the Colonel's back as he left; the girl the Colonel was on a date with was Kelly, whom Havoc had been trying to win for a month. Fuery, Breda, and Fallman all tried to comfort his sorrows the best that they could, even giving him a new pack of cigarettes, which seemed to help a little. Suddenly, Fallman had an idea. "You know, maybe if we did you-know-what, it'd help!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. Havoc looked up at him. "Sssh! If anyone finds out—"

"I know that, of course, but still, let's go!" Fallman interrupted.

Havoc sighed and followed Fallman. Fuery and Breda were right behind. They went down the hallways to the locker rooms, where a locker between all of theirs stood. Fallman looked back and forth several times to make sure that nobody was there, sending Fuery and Breda as lookouts at the ends of the locker row. He twiddled the combination, and opened the locker. Inside were four matching spandex suits; blue like the military uniform, with orange capes, as well as frilly pink sleeping masks with eyeholes cut in them.

"Mystery Military Men, let's go!" Fallman shouted, throwing everyone a suit and sleeping mask.

The four suited men did a roll call as they bounced out of Central Headquarters.

"Ladies' Man, at your service!" Havoc said.

"Sir Reads-a-Lot reporting for duty!" Fallman exclaimed.

"HSNP, HasNoSixPack, on the job!" Breda yelled."

"Saiv Inteh Puppees, ready to do whatever it takes," Fuery said timidly.

The four superheroes walked around Central, attracting many a shocked stare. "Okay, this is boring," Havoc said as they walked past a bakery.

"Well, that's because we're not at our destination, which is a reconnaissance mission," Fallman replied.

"We're spying on the Colonel's date?!" Breda asked.

"Of course, and Ladies' Man can mysteriously whisk her away, the whole romantic thing," Fallman told him, quickly hiding a romance novel, making a book shaped lump in the chest of his suit. Havoc was blushing under the sleeping mask now, entranced by the thought of finally getting a girl.

They had just passed a fancy diner that the Colonel favored for dates for the tenth time, but he was not there. They checked every nook and cranny of the city's stores and eateries, but to no avail. The Colonel was simply nowhere to be found on his date. They were getting quite discouraged, Havoc being the most, as his slightly cheering fantasy of stealing a girl from the Colonel, of all people, was quickly being crushed.

A crying sound was what brought the quartet's attention to a small girl, obviously in need of assistance. "What's wrong?" Ladies' Man asked, using his most seductive charms.

"My pet is missing!" the girl cried, sobbing into Saiv Inteh Puppees' shoulder.

"What kind of pet?" Sir Reads-a-Lot asked, being businesslike as usual.

"My dog, Hikousen," the girl sniffled.

Saiv Inthe Puppees nearly started crying in sympathy. "The poor dog! We'll find him, don't worry!" he declared, looking at the others, determination written on his face.

HNSP's obvious shock, fear, and disgust was ignored, and so the team split up to recover the lost pet.

iI won't find it….I won't find it…don't worry, it's not going to be me who finds it…/i HasNoSixPack thought, dreading the very thought of finding the lost dog. He wished that he had been able to find a way out of this, but Saiv Inteh Puppies was insistent that he help. He walked the streets, shaking in his spandex suit, praying that he didn't find any dogs. Although he knew it was a slim possibility that his luck would hold out, he couldn't help but cross his fingers and hope for the best.

A blur from behind knocked the shaking superhero to the ground. "What the--?" he yelled, paling as he saw exactly what had knocked him over. "D-d-dog…" he gasped. It slowly advanced on him, its slobbering mouth and dangerously wagging tail coming closer…there was no escape…

The other three members of the group came running when they heard a bloodcurdling scream in the direction that HSNP had gone. It took the three of them ten minutes to arrive at the scene, panting and sweating, to find their comrade passed out, and under the attack of a dog, which, after a quick collar inspection, proved to be Hikousen. It took a while to revive the traumatized hero, but when he finally did come to, the whole neighborhood was there to cheer him on. One old lady in the crowd asked "Who are you people?"

"Saiv Inteh Puppees!" Fuery grinned.

"HSNP, HasNoSixPack!" Breda yelled.

"Sir Reads Alot!" Fallman stated.

"Ladies' Man!" Havoc said, in his most seductive voice.

Together, they all cried "and we are the Mystery Military Men!"


	2. Chapter 2

The day after the Mystery Military Men made their big debut in Central, Colonel Mustang came in holding an unusually thick new

The day after the Mystery Military Men made their big debut in Central, Colonel Mustang came in holding an unusually thick newspaper. He strode past his half-asleep subordinates, hardly noticing them as he was half asleep himself. The newspaper became a makeshift pillow in a matter of minutes; the room was quickly filled with five men snoring.

Lieutenant Hawkeye walked in half an hour later and nearly had to cover her ears because of the annoying stimuli of the snoring. This was quickly remedied with a few well placed gunshots; five warning shots near five heads of five now screaming, awake, and thoroughly shocked men. "This is work, not naptime," she stated, "so do what your job says and get to work." The Colonel obeyed this command, promptly opening his newspaper and reading the headlines. After a moment, he lowered the paper a bit, and read an article out to the room:

"Mystery Quartet Save the Day," he said, stating the headline, and then continued to read the short article that followed, "Yesterday, a young girl lost her dog. Four oddly dressed men approached her, and then proceeded to find that dog. While many were alarmed by these strange presences, the girl was extremely grateful and said that these men, who dubbed themselves the 'Mystery Military Men', were good people." He stopped, then fully lowered the paper. "What do you think of that?" he asked.

"What about it?" Breda asked, trying to keep the panic out of his voice.

"It's strange, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Fuery replied, barely concealing his shaking.

The Colonel sighed. "What I mean is, it's strange that a brand of 'superheroes' independent of the military would appear like this. Usually, the good deeds are applied to the military's credit, not some bunch of guys in spandex. I hope this gives the much-higher-ups a good shaking. Whoever these guys are, the more they save the day, the better."

His logic seemed strange, probably because he was speaking from being half asleep. However, the fact that one, he did not know that his subordinates were the Mystery Military Men, and two, that he was applauding them, seemed to be good things. This put a spring in the step of Breda, Fuery, Fallman, and Havoc, who took this as a sign that their lunch break that day would be the next outing for the Mystery Military Men.

When their lunch break came, the four men suited up and went out on patrol. To their disappointment, no heroic acts were needed that day; however, they did get to sign a few autographs. Upon returning an hour later, they all felt strangely satisfied at their new secret fame.

"Men," Fallman said in a voice that would be used by a commander preparing his troops for an

operation, "we now have a duty to save this town in whatever ways we can. However, our bodies and minds need to be ready for whatever challenge that comes. Therefore, I suggest that we begin training right away!"

In order to accomplish this, the quartet went down to the currently empty workout room. Fuery stationed himself on the stationary bicycle, Fallman went to the chin-up bar, Havoc went to the barbells, and Breda went straight to the vending machine.

"Breda, what are you doing?" Fallman asked chidingly.

"Training," Breda said through a mouthful of candy bar, "my name is Has No Six Pack; I need to uphold that name."

"He has a point. We're doing the wrong kind of training," Havoc admitted, "I should be learning to appeal to the ladies better. Fuery, you should be working on saving the animals, particularly puppies. And Fallman, obviously you must read a lot."

"Roger," they said.

The new training system was a lot more efficient. Breda sat at his desk, munching on a candy bar. Havoc used the phone to try and ask a lady out on a date, though he was failing miserably; while he could actually keep a woman on the phone for a quick conversation, which was an improvement, he couldn't ask them out. Fallman sat at his desk reading, and Fuery played with Black Hayate. In between munches of candy bar, Breda gave Fuery and Black Hayate nervous glances.

This discreet training system continued until work ended, which was precisely when they put their training to the test. Suiting up, the Mystery Military Men went out onto the streets to put their skills to good use.

Out on the streets, the quartet was walking when they heard the unmistakable ringing of a bank's security bell. Sure enough, the building in front of them, which happened to be the Central National Bank, was currently in a state of chaos. People were screaming, running to and fro, and generally freaking out. In the midst of this, two black clad figures, both holding extremely large burlap sacks, slinked towards a dark alley. It did not take a master alchemist to realize that these were the robbers behind the hubbub. Feeling their sense of duty kick in, the Mystery Military Men began pursuit of the criminals.

The four chased the criminals down an alley, leading them to the maze known as the slums of Central. In order to catch the criminals, they instinctively split up, going their separate ways to try and head off their targets.

Fallman pursued the bandits' path directly, copying every twist and turn that they made. His speed was about even to theirs, so he was able to keep them in sight. However, he was not gaining any ground.

Havoc climbed up a ladder to the rooftops, where he kept an eye on the bandits. He jumped from roof to roof, which was quite easy, as the buildings were all up against each other. To take advantage of his high position, he tried to slow the bandits with the nearest weapon at hand: his cigarettes. He would take a puff from a newly lighted cigarette before ceremonially dropping it below. The pack of twenty-four cigarettes went by fast, with most of the tobacco bombs harmlessly falling onto the ground. One elicited a "YEOUCH!" from below, but Havoc realized, to his chagrin, that this was Fallman he had hit.

Fuery tried to predict where the bandits would come out from the alleys, and realized that the particular portion they were in could only lead out to the main street. With this in mind, he began to run along the sidewalks, having to pause every few moments to apologize for bumping into someone.

Breda ran past Fuery, who was still trying to predict the bandits' movements, panting as he got five feet ahead of his comrade. He had just completed a ten foot sprint, and was quite proud of himself for it. For a reward, he located the nearest hot dog stand and made a beeline for it. He purchased his hot dog, put a mountain of mustard on it, and happily set out on his merry way, eating and keeping an eye out for bandits.

Breda was walking past a rare break in between buildings, when a large force assailed him from his right side. The hot dog flew out of his hand, the bits in his mouth exiting right after. He was forced two steps to the right, where he and whatever it was that had slammed into him stayed for a tense moment. Enraged, Breda looked over, only to see that the two bandits that had robbed the bank were the very same ones that had robbed him of his hot dog.

"You…" he growled dangerously. He grabbed the collars of both bandits, and held them in the air. "How dare you deprive me of my hot dog, you bastards!" he yelled.

"HSNP! You did it!" Fuery gasped; he ran up next to Breda, panting.

"Good job, HNSP!" Fallman grinned.

By now, a crowd was beginning to form. The people recognized them from the newspaper, and were trying to ascertain what was going on.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Havoc, who had just climbed down a ladder to the sidewalk, announced, "these men robbed Central National Bank. If you look, you'll see that they have the sacks of money in their greedy little hands."

The crowd roared in anger at the bandits. Police officers began to push their way through to the heroes.

"We gotta hand it to you guys," one officer whispered to them, "you saved us a lot of trouble."

"I think we may have some celebrities in the making," another winked.

Sure enough, the newspaper reporters soon swarmed in like locusts: in numbers, loud, and, in some perspectives, unwelcome. The Mystery Military Men recounted their efforts in the ordeal, starting to get giddy off of the euphoria of being the center of attention. If they hadn't been the talk of the town before, they certainly were now.


End file.
